PARENTS HAVE ALL THE ANWERS??
As a parent I take pride in being able to answer most of the questions my sons have for me. If I can’t answer the question with my 43 years on earth I can at least let them know that we can look up the answer. Until a few nights ago. I was sitting with my back to my son and with a clear and direct voice I heard this question, “Papa, what are you scared of?” I thought about answering quickly and then I decided to tell him that I would need a day or two to think about this one.
Through the eyes of a child a parent is larger than life, a shoulder to cry and lean on. Parents are the strong ones. I decided not tell him that as a parent I spend a great deal of time being “scared”. I decided not to tell him that I was scared 3 seconds after you were born that your head would stay cone shaped forever. I was scared while I was at work that something may happen to you or your mom while I was away. I was scared when I was home and holding you and trying to stop your chollicly tears. I was scared when you were asleep. I was scared of so much crying and scared of silence. I was scared that I was not going to be a good dad and more scared that I was not going to be a good husband and partner to your mom.
And that time passed- you grew, your tears from a constant tummy ache stopped, you began to use words, sign language, your started growing but that did not stop me from being scared–just as you are changing ever day. I am scared of different things now. I am scared with each decision I make- am I too strict, am I too much of a pushover. Am I giving you the tools you will need to be a Good Man as you grow. Am I pushing you too much- am I not pushing enough? Am I still a good partner and husband to your Mom- who deserves the very best I have to give. There are some nights when everyone else is asleep that my chest hurts with questions. Am I giving you a good life- have I left a enough money in the account to buy you not just the things you need but occasionally the things you just want because that what kids do. Have I upset you and not realized it- have you gone to bed happy with your day. Did I lock the backdoors before bed, did I leave the stove on (your mom is much better about that), are there batteries in the smoke detector and I hope we all wake up happy together. Alone, at night is when I am scared, sometimes tears run down my face and I can’t even tell anyone why- not because I have no one to tell but because I have no idea why- I can not explain it. I am scared that there are times when I can not keep you safe. There are times when your feelings will get hurt, times when your heart will get hurt and I will have to let you learn and grow ON YOUR OWN when this happens. I am not scared about the cuts, scrapes and broken bones you may get as you become more adventurous but I am scared that I will not be strong enough to hold you up when your heart gets hurt. Remember I almost cried when you got your first shots and you cried. Your mom can tell you. Just last week you cried during your first soccer practice, your mom and me knew you were crying but had to let you decide how to handle it. That was hard.
“What am I scared of, you ask?” EVERYTHING about being a parent is a mix of scared and joy, success and doubt, easy and yet the hardest thing I have ever done.
“What I am scared of Papa?” asks my 5 year old. After two days I think I have an answer fit for a Papa answering a 5 year old son. I am scared of trying New things–this does not mean I won’t try new things but I am always a little nervous about trying. The first time I was Guiding my first White Water Trip I was scared, it was new but I tried it and now our family enjoys our White Water trips. Imagine if I never tried?
READ, REVIEW, START FRESH
September sure does bring a great deal of change. School is back in session, that means our entire house has to be A.I.S (Ass in seats) so that we can make it to school by 8. It also means back to my blog, it sort of acts as a school year journal for me. To get inspired to write again I reread a few older posts and discovered this one. It was written when Sparks (son1) was born and I would begin my life as both parent and teacher- a new perspective, a tricky balancing act. I hope you enjoy and stay tuned for new posts.
One week ago today I watched and held my wife as she pushed with all of her might to bring our son into our home. One week ago today I heard my son’s first cry. One week ago today I held my son for the first time. One week ago today I fell in love for the second time in five years. One week ago today I realized what it means to feel a sense of connection that can only be felt between parent and child. One week ago today I became a better man and that will make me a better teacher. One week ago today an eight pound being changed my life.
I have seen how hard it can be for parents to leave their children on the first day of school, especially if there are tears. I have hugged crying children assuring them that their parents will be back at the end of the day. They cry huge tears simply because they don’t want to leave their parents. Soon, everyone always calms down but for that moment in their life, all they want is to be with their mom or dad. I always feel for the parents that leave their children with me as they go to work and some leave with tears. Both parent and child know that everything will be alright but I don’t think that makes saying goodbye easier, even if its just for a school day. And now I understand.
I have always been honored and thankful that parents trust me with their children. Above all else I have always tried to make sure that children feel safe, nurtured and comfortable while in my classroom. While interacting with children I always try to imagine that their mom or dad is behind me, listening to what I am saying making sure I am genuine, honest ,fair, and heartfelt. If someone falls down, gets a splinter or loses a tooth it is important to take the time to comfort and sooth them. Thunderstorms are never easy in kindergarten. Children need to know that they are safe, loved and free from judgement before they can truly begin to learn.
So here is my Thank You to all of the parents that have had faith and trust in me to take care of their children. Thank You for trusting me to be a good man as well as a good educator. And now I join you in that trust, this past weekend I became a dad. I now understand why saying goodbye in the morning is hard. I now understand the bond that only parent and child share. The other day I left my wife and son at home for the first time and all I could think about was how I wish were back home with them. I want nothing more than for him to be safe and joyful and I imagine that is how all parents feel when they trust another person with their children. For years I was and am the person that parents trust and I never take that lightly. Now, I have a new understanding, I see my profession with new eyes and I have no doubt that becoming a dad will make me a better educator and a better man.